A few years ago, I was at a coffee shop, waiting in line behind a young woman who seemed visibly distressed. She was juggling a phone call and a baby on her hip while trying to pay for her order. In her haste, she knocked over her coffee, spilling it all over the counter and herself. I remember feeling a pang of empathy as I watched her struggle, but instead of stepping in to help, I just stood there, rooted to the spot.
Even now, I can recall the look on her face—frustration mixed with embarrassment. I wanted to reach out, to offer her a napkin, a kind word, or even just a reassuring smile. But I didn’t. I remained silent, caught in a web of my own hesitation and uncertainty.
Today, I look back on that moment and wonder why it continues to haunt me. Was it because I saw a reflection of my own vulnerability in her struggle? Or was it because I missed an opportunity to show compassion, not only to her but to myself? I often think about what I could have done differently. A simple gesture, a small act of kindness, could have transformed that fleeting encounter into something meaningful. Instead, I chose to remain a bystander in both her experience and my own.
Forgiveness and the Human Condition
For many, forgiveness means letting go of the pain caused by others. It’s an act of mercy, not absolution—a way of recognizing that we are all imperfect, shaped by our own wounds and limitations. Holding onto anger or resentment can numb us, harden us, and ultimately, trap us in a cycle of suffering. To forgive others is to free ourselves, to reclaim our peace.
Yet, the most profound forgiveness we can offer is often to ourselves. We carry the weight of our mistakes, our shortcomings, and the harm we’ve caused, whether intentional or not. We berate ourselves for not knowing better, for not doing better, forgetting that we were doing the best we could with the awareness we had at the time. Extending compassion to ourselves—acknowledging our own humanity—is a radical act of healing. It opens the door to a deeper acceptance of who we are, flaws and all.
The Practice of Self-Forgiveness
One powerful method I recommend is what I call “Mirror Work,” inspired by Martin Buber’s concept of “I and Thou.” Buber’s philosophy teaches us that we are in constant dialogue with ourselves, navigating the complexities of being both the subject and the object of our own experience.
To begin, stand in front of a mirror and look into your own eyes. Say your name aloud, and then speak words of forgiveness to yourself. For example, “Justin, I forgive you for not reaching out to help that woman in the coffee shop.” Be specific about the moments or actions you wish to release. As you speak, breathe deeply, allowing yourself to receive the forgiveness you are offering.
At first, this exercise may feel uncomfortable or even contrived. That’s okay. It’s a sign that intimacy with yourself needs nurturing. As you continue to practice, you’ll notice a shift—a gradual softening in your inner dialogue. You’ll begin to respond to yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you might offer to a dear friend. And as this new pattern takes root, your relationship with yourself will change, bringing more peace and acceptance into your life.
Moving Toward Wholeness
Take some time to reflect on the unresolved hurts and regrets you carry, both toward yourself and others. Write them down. Then, commit to the process of forgiveness, even if it’s slow. Imagine forgiveness as a journey, one that may take many small steps. Each step dissolves a bit of the ice that may have formed around your heart, allowing you to breathe more deeply, to feel more fully.
The journey of self-forgiveness is not a one-time event but a continuous practice. As you engage with it, you’ll find that your capacity for empathy, connection, and love expands—not just for others, but for yourself. And in this expansion, there is freedom and peace.
May you find the courage to forgive yourself and embrace the fullness of your humanity.
By Rev. Dr. Justin Hurtado, PhD.
About the Author: Rev. Dr. Justin Hurtado is a compassionate pastoral counselor who guides individuals toward healing and wholeness. In addition to his work as a therapist and spiritual teacher, he is a devoted husband, an inspiring speaker, and a respected community advocate. With a heart for service and a commitment to fostering emotional and spiritual growth, Justin's mission is to help others find peace and purpose. For more information about his work and upcoming events, visit www.iwiga.com.
Disclaimer: The pastoral care and counseling provided by Rev. Dr. Justin Hurtado are rooted in spiritual guidance and are intended to support your emotional and spiritual well-being. This guidance is not a substitute for professional mental health services or psychotherapy. If you are experiencing psychological distress or have been diagnosed with a mental health condition, please seek assistance from a licensed mental health professional. The information shared in this article is for educational and inspirational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any condition. By engaging in pastoral counseling, you acknowledge and agree that it is not a replacement for medical, legal, or psychological advice or therapy.
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