top of page
Writer's pictureJustin Hurtado-Palomo

Why Don’t My Adult Children Speak to Me?

As a parent, few things can feel as painful as realizing your adult children no longer want to speak with you. The silence can be deafening, leaving you with a mix of confusion, anger, sadness, and deep frustration. It’s a heartbreaking situation many families are facing today, and it’s one that is growing more prevalent in our current culture. More and more young adults are choosing to distance themselves from their parents, some opting for what is known as “going no contact.”


If you’re reading this as a parent experiencing this, or if you’re someone trying to support a family member going through this, know that you’re not alone. This blog is intended to explore this difficult reality, offer some insight, and help families move toward healing and understanding. Whether you are a parent struggling to understand your child’s decision or an adult who has chosen to go no contact with a parent, my goal here is to foster a sense of compassion and understanding.


What Does It Mean to Go No Contact?

First, let’s start with a clear definition of what "going no contact" means. When someone decides to go no contact, they are choosing to completely sever communication with another person. For many young adults today, this means cutting ties with one or both parents. This decision can involve blocking phone numbers, avoiding in-person interactions, and cutting off social media connections.


Going no contact is often seen as a form of self-preservation. The person making this decision usually believes that the relationship with the other person is toxic, harmful, or unhealthy, and that distancing themselves is the only way to protect their mental and emotional well-being.


This can be a drastic step, and it's not one that is made lightly. Most people who decide to go no contact with their parents have likely struggled with this decision for a long time. They may have attempted other ways to fix or manage the relationship but ultimately concluded that no contact was their best option.


Why Are So Many Adult Children Going No Contact with Their Parents?

You might be asking yourself: "Why is this happening now?" This phenomenon is not unique to one specific family, and it's not always the result of just one isolated issue. There are multiple reasons why many adult children are choosing to go no contact, and understanding these reasons can be an essential first step in moving toward healing.

1. Perceptions of Narcissism or Emotional Abuse:Many young adults who choose to go no contact cite a history of narcissistic or emotionally abusive behavior from their parents. Narcissism, in this context, is when parents are perceived as being self-centered, controlling, or manipulative. These adult children may feel that their needs and emotions were disregarded growing up and that their parents always prioritized themselves.

Emotional abuse may involve patterns of criticism, invalidation, or neglect, where a child’s emotional needs were consistently unmet. These experiences, often spanning years, can leave deep emotional scars that affect relationships well into adulthood.


2. Intergenerational Conflict and Unmet Expectations:Families are also grappling with significant shifts in societal values and expectations. Generational differences can sometimes make communication difficult. Older generations may adhere to more traditional values surrounding family loyalty and obedience, while younger generations often prioritize individual well-being and emotional health.


For example, many parents come from a culture that emphasizes respect and duty toward one's family, while their adult children may prioritize mental health and personal boundaries. These differences can result in misunderstandings, with parents feeling disrespected and children feeling oppressed or unheard.


3. Mental Health Awareness:There has been a growing awareness of mental health and the importance of emotional well-being in recent years. Young adults today are more likely to seek therapy and mental health support, and they are often taught about the importance of boundaries and self-care. They may learn, through counseling or personal growth, that certain family dynamics are harmful to their mental health. This knowledge can prompt them to set boundaries with their parents, including going no contact if the relationship is consistently unhealthy.


The Impact of Going No Contact on Families

When an adult child chooses to go no contact, it can create a ripple effect throughout the family. The parent left behind often feels a mix of emotions, including guilt, sadness, anger, and confusion. The relationship between the parent and their adult child may have been complicated for years, but the finality of no contact can feel devastating.


For parents, this situation can be especially painful because it disrupts one of the most fundamental human bonds—the connection between parent and child. Parents may feel a profound sense of loss, as though they have failed in their most important role in life.


Other family members may also be affected. Siblings, cousins, and grandparents might struggle to navigate relationships with both the parent and the estranged adult child. This can lead to tensions and misunderstandings within the extended family as well.


It’s important to recognize that going no contact is a personal decision made by the adult child, and it’s typically a last resort. They may feel that they have no other way to protect their emotional health and well-being. While this decision can be incredibly painful for everyone involved, it’s also essential to understand that it’s often made from a place of self-preservation.


How Can Parents Navigate This Situation?

If you’re a parent who has been cut off by your adult child, it’s important to approach the situation with compassion—for both yourself and your child. While it’s natural to feel hurt and confused, responding with anger or accusations will only deepen the divide. Instead, try to understand what might have led your child to make this decision.


Here are a few ways to navigate this situation:

1. Seek to Understand, Not to Blame:It’s easy to fall into a cycle of blame and defensiveness, but this will not lead to healing. Instead, approach the situation with an open heart and mind. Try to understand your child’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Ask yourself if there are ways in which you might have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, and consider whether there are changes you can make to improve things in the future.


2. Consider Therapy:Family dynamics are complex, and it can be helpful to seek outside support. Therapy can be a valuable tool for both parents and adult children in navigating this painful experience. A therapist can help you explore your emotions, improve communication skills, and develop strategies for healing the relationship.

If your adult child is open to it, family therapy may also be an option. A neutral third party can help mediate discussions and offer guidance on how to rebuild trust and understanding.


3. Respect Boundaries:While it’s natural to want to fix things immediately, it’s important to respect your adult child’s boundaries. Pushing too hard for reconciliation or attempting to force communication may backfire and lead to more distance. Instead, allow space for healing, and be open to the possibility that reconciliation may take time.


4. Practice Self-Compassion:It’s easy to fall into a cycle of guilt and self-blame when a child chooses to go no contact, but it’s important to practice self-compassion. Remember that relationships are a two-way street, and it’s possible that both parties contributed to the current situation. Give yourself grace as you work through the emotions of this difficult time.


Supporting Family Members Going No Contact

If you’re not directly involved in this situation but are close to someone who has gone no contact with a parent, or if you are supporting a parent who is experiencing estrangement, it’s important to approach the situation with empathy and respect.


Here are some ways to offer support:

1. Validate Their Feelings:Both the person who has gone no contact and the parent who has been estranged are likely experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. Validate their feelings without judgment. If someone shares their experience with you, listen without trying to “fix” the situation or take sides.

2. Avoid Placing Blame:It’s easy to blame one party or the other, but it’s important to recognize that family dynamics are often complex. Avoid casting judgment on either the parent or the adult child. Instead, encourage both parties to seek support and healing.

3. Encourage Therapy or Counseling:Both the person who has gone no contact and the estranged parent may benefit from therapy. Encourage them to seek out professional support as they work through their emotions and navigate this difficult time.

4. Offer Compassion:Estrangement is painful for everyone involved. Offering compassion and understanding can go a long way in helping both the adult child and the parent cope with their emotions and work toward healing.


Final Thoughts

The decision to go no contact is deeply personal and often fraught with emotion. While it can be incredibly painful for parents and other family members, it’s important to approach the situation with compassion and understanding. Whether you are a parent who has been estranged from your adult child or someone supporting a loved one through this difficult time, healing is possible. Therapy, open communication, and self-compassion are all tools that can help families navigate this challenging reality.


If you are struggling with this issue, I encourage you to seek out support—whether through a counselor, a spiritual advisor, or other trusted individuals. It’s never too late to work toward healing, even if the road ahead seems difficult.


As a pastoral counselor, I’m here as a resource for anyone facing this challenging experience. My role is not to judge, but to listen and support you as you navigate this journey. Please reach out if you need someone to talk to, and remember that you don’t have to face this alone.


References

American Psychological Association. (2023). Parent-child estrangement: Causes, consequences, and coping strategies. APA Press.

Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Random House.

Krauss Whitbourne, S. (2019)


The views expressed are those of Father Justin Hurtado, PhD, OSB, and are for spiritual guidance only. They do not constitute medical, psychological, or legal advice. Please consult a licensed professional for any health or legal concerns

4 views0 comments

Comments


bottom of page